Bloggin N'at! by Female Rapper, Kellee Maize

I just realized that I often start out when I write a message or these blogs with….

So, blah blah blah.

There is often a “SO”.  I started this one out that way and then realized I keep doing that and erased it.  Why did I stop, who cares? It makes sense. For shits n gigs I looked up the definition and found that one acronym for S.O. is Significant Other.  I suppose for this particular post, that is a funny time to notice my habit.  Because, you need a significant other, or sperm, to make sense of this discussion.  Anyway, I digress.

So, I am up late having a beer trying to chill out these crazy girl cramps I have.  Ya know, being a woman is really interesting.  Today as I was releasing massive amounts of blood, thinking about the whole system that is at work inside my body, it made me thankful to be a woman.  Every 30 days or so some women may have a moment of damning our sex but, really, its all love.  Girls do rock.  So do boys of course but, this is more about girls.

I have had a lotta pregnant or new mothers around me over the last few years, and it makes me really THINK about being a parent.  Like, this is really gonna be happen.  I will, (hopefully), have a little person inside me one day.  Wow. (And if I couldn’t for some reason I would adopt and keep the tradition going .

It won’t be anytime really soon but, yeah, what an amazingly intense experience that will be.  I have had a lot of death in my life so far, but in all reality, I haven’t been that close to birth.  No one in my family really was ever pregnant growing up, and even recently.  The closest thing was my godsister, but she was also adopted, and I was 7 when she arrived.  My Godmom told me to go look in the bassanet and I thought someone bought me a doll.  When I found out she wasn’t mine, I heard I was a little pissed.  But, pondering now, I really haven’t been close to a lot of birth and the process of it.  Most of my friends who have been pregnant were far away.  I haven’t even met some of my friends babies yet!   Aunt Kellee is kinda absent!

But, distance from my friends kids is what it is and I will certainly get to be involved soon enough. And, I have had the pleasure of being around older kids throughout my whole life with babysitting and such.

This whole series of thoughts reminds me of my recent dream this past week.  I was pregnant and I walked into a room with random people in it. My belly opened (the skin was really thin) and this little person was there.  I held it in my hand and it was not alive. I had miscarried, or so I thought. I knew it was not alive and I shoved it back in myself.  Yeah, like, you know…..I put him or her back up the way it entered, so to speak, originally :/.  I don’t remember much else, but I do remember that someone said the baby was ok and would survive.  I need to read my dream dictionary to see if there is any significance to this.

I guess this is something exciting I can look forward to in the future, being around more births as more of my peers do the damn thang…and what a beautiful thang it is.  I think I can delete all of my personal birth issues I used to think years ago were so important and distressing, and replace them with awe and wonder at this amazing beginning of something new.  It will be rad, I know it.

And afterall, energy never really dies.  There is never death or birth, if you think about it. Its all one big cycle.  I feel grateful to witness it, here and now.  And, I think its time we allow ourselves to fully evolve to a whole new level of consciousness so that the new lil folks coming in have a society that respects and loves the planet, and them, unconditionally.  If you notice, the kids these days are special.  I have read all about Indigo and Crystal children as I kind of felt maybe I was one.  Who knows if I am but, either way, they are amazing!   I want them to be surrounded by supportive none stop love.  No more medicating them, pls.  Their so called diseases and such are, in my humble opinion, just a sign of a new way to think, a new brain, a new human that we must embrace. 

FYI – this is a short story, of sorts. I wrote it over a year ago on December 14, 2010. It is true, but long. I am posting this on the first day I am actually making my blog public, Feb 3, at exactly 2:03 pm, when Neptune officially enters Pisces. See my post called Neptune Knows for a link to the significance of this planetary movement for all of us.  I started this blog on my birthday, Jan 18, 2012…so there are 17 posts besides this one.

On December 12 2010, I had a gathering with 7 of the 28 members of the Pittsburgh Transformational Leaders group at my new home.  We shared, ate, and made plans for our next meeting. Most profoundly, each person blessed our house, which has between 4 and 5 people living in it. I was speechless as they spoke such kind words about what was to happen here, the music that would come, the blessings that awaited and the connection to source and the universe.  One woman said she saw the house like a tree, with deep roots into mother earth and light rising from the branches that would spread the love here, and the music, through literally everything. One woman said this house and I would be like a transmission station sending and receiving unconditional love. They also all acknowledged me in the blessing and the work I have been doing through my music. It was so affirming to be acknowledged by people who were so inspiring and doing such great things for the world.  I really look up to all of them.

That evening, I had the most wonderful sleep. A great break from what I had been interpreting as mostly nightmares in recent weeks. I had explained a few days earlier that one time I awoke to use the restroom after a “nightmare” and after recalling all that had happened in my dream, I realized it wasn’t scary at all…I had just interpreted it as scary. An interesting idea considering all that we interpret as fearful, how much of it is really just in our minds?! I already knew the answer to this, but it was cool to have another reminder from my subconscious. I dreamt nothing that I could recall that night. The blessing must have really cleared the space.

I had a hard time getting up that next day for our monthly morning women’s gathering, (I just love when spiritual events are back to back!). I explained at one point in my “check in” that I felt my knot of Vishnu, the area between the third and fourth chakras that often holds our fears and anxieties was being “worked on” in my Bikram yoga class. I felt it literally beating during class, sometimes pulsing so much that I could see it. This center represents power, and in our recent 5000 year history, women have certainly been over-powered. So I think for women most of all, this center is a part of our bodies we have all felt activated. I have understood fully, through reading a book called “Unplugging the Patriarchy” that this bodily response I have been having is right on time. The new age we are entering, is all about going from this third chakra area, to the heart, the fourth chakra and from the third dimension, to the fourth. So, it is only natural that we are all dealing with power, fears, and various other negative feelings. I had to work out that area so that energy could easily flow through to the heart!

At the gathering, one of my mentors and teachers, Victoria Hanchen spoke about her encounters with the White Buffalo. As she spoke, I recalled a song she downloaded while visiting the buffalo that she has sung for me that had the words, “Black thunder, White lighting”, which referenced the prophetic birth of the White Buffalo and the Black Buffalo by its side. These creatures are kept here close to Pittsburgh and she had a chance to see them. This visitation spawned several events and downloads for her that are nothing less that amazing. I thought about my first rap group at 9 years old,  called Thunder and Lightning. I just couldn’t get over the feelings I got when she sang that song and told that story, often when she tells me things, it’s like I’ve heard them before. Suddenly I could barely keep my eyes open. It was quite strange. It was finally my chance to share. Instead of sharing all of the normal exciting things I liked to share and build on with this group, I found myself sharing some very deep fears.

This was how I used to operate in this group that has now been meeting for 5 years. I would often in the past use my share to purge the many deep seeded scary things that I rarely shared with anyone. Many of these fears were my anger at the world and how it worked, how unfair it seemed. I used to feel these fears expand sometimes when I spoke of them, so I really started focusing on the positive in a whole new way over the last two years or so. And it seemed to be a good move. But yesterday, I think some final fears had to make there way out of my being and into a circle of love which could help me transmute. I talked about missing my dad who died, about the fears of meeting my biological dad in the near future, about my unresolved feelings about my birth mother who will not speak with me, which is always highlighted this time of year due to my birthday in January. I also talked about some other people in my family who were sick. And lastly, I explained how my mom had lost her voice the week before and that the last time that had happened, it was because she had a tumor beside her heart (lung cancer) that would have killed her if it weren’t for her genuine belief that it wasn’t her time. She was a dead woman walking with her treatments for over a year. I explained how I really learned the possibility of creating reality from her. And how I learned it from my dad, who always said he was gonna die before he could dance at my wedding; a joke cause he didn’t dance, but a statement that I’d somehow always knew was true. My mom and dad allowed me to see this theory, I now live by in a haunting and extraordinary way.

So, the idea that my mom could be sick again, and ultimately that my mom WILL die someday…that feeling when it comes is like I can’t even breath. I have dealt with the loss 3 of the closest men in my family and having her gone is just too much to bear. I also had an experience with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Brandon, aka Bonics, who was only 30 when he had a heart attack. I think it was just his heart getting prepared for the 4th dimension and he is fine, but my father had died from a heart attack. In fact, Brandon met my dad the first day of college, and my dad looked him straight in the eye and said, “will you take care of my daughter?”  Brandon said, “yes”.  I had a sense that my dad was one of many guardian angels making sure Brandon made it through. This experience was like an amplified synchronicity that left me speechless when I heard the news. Fear, like when my dad passed, rolled through me at the thought of loosing Brandon, perhaps the last conscious “protector” I had. But, the fear was calmed at hearing his voice, and I knew that Brandon was going to be like a Jedi, infused with a new sense of his heart…arguably the most important part of our being at this time.

But after my deep shares with the ladies at our gathering, I flipped the script and explained how my spiritual work had helped me face these fears and realize that death is just a part of life, that I am now able to deal with these fears and not allow them to turn into long lasting bouts of depression, mania, or self destruction like I had in the past. (BTW, my mom said it is genuinely just a cold that is going around, and that her recent cancer check-ups were ok).

So I came home from the gathering after a delightful snack with my soul sis and began to hammer away at my emails. The computer screen was getting harder and harder to look at. I could barely even see straight. I felt guilty about even considering sleeping with all the work I needed to do, but it seemed like I might fall asleep sitting up…something I NEVER DO. I envy those people that can fall asleep in a chair! I also, for at least the last few years, almost never take naps…it just doesn’t work. I have tried, but I just can’t seem to make it happen. So, I continued on, trying to refocus. But the exhaustion was not going away. After about 2 hours of this, at 6pm, I decided…”well, I might as well just go to bed”. Perhaps I am downloading some new insights after these powerful gatherings, perhaps my knot of Vishnu just needs a rest after that purging session. I figured I would set my alarm for 4am and go to hot yoga, perhaps that would keep me on an ok schedule and I could get my work done before the rest of the world got up. I thought maybe I was sick, but there was just no sign of this. I went upstairs and almost immediately fell asleep, something else that rarely happens. I awoke at 9pm, and then again at 10pm. In between these two periods of getting awake, I tried my transcendental mediation. Often when I do this, I focus on my third eye. This is not a part of T.M. but my own little twist. I focused on my heart instead and my whole body began buzzing. I fell back asleep. I had no dreams at all but at 10pm, I was wide awake. I went downstairs, a bit frustrated at the fact that I may have just really messed up my sleep schedule. I was just sent a new video of ufo’s in Amsterdam that a filmmaker had used my music on as the sound track…..it was pretty cool.

I made some fish and salad and poured a very small glass of wine (in hopes of making myself tired again) and sat down to watch a movie with one of my roomies. Strangely I normally would have dove into some work, but I just went along like it was time to watch some good cinema, guiltless. We chose “Eat Pray Love”. I adored the movie. I was so excited that a “mainstream” movie came out that addressed so many deep things from a spiritual perspective. I had no idea what the movie was about before choosing it, other than I loved the title and love Julia Roberts and thought it was filmed in Pgh, (although I didn’t see anything familiar). Afterwards I went upstairs and hoped I could fall back asleep. I read a little and then had one of those 2 hour sessions of almost being asleep but not, where I just randomly repeat the same things over and over…this time an India Arie song. I went to the bathroom, and as I walked back upstairs, started saying “OM”, a needed respite.

I laid back down and started to doze off. Suddenly, my body felt like it was lifting off my bed. I thought “Am I levitating? Am I awake?” The feeling was strange…it was definitely not a dream, I was not fully asleep. My body was almost buzzing, like electricity was pulsing through or something. I felt a black tube on my left side, I thought it was my cell phone cord, but there was one in my mouth too. Panic started to overcome me. I opened my eyes and various shadowy beings surrounded me. I could only make out what two of them were doing. I kept lifting off my bed. When I noticed them, it seemed like they began work very quickly. One large being looked like he had a sledge hammer or something, again, it was all shadows, nothing “solid”. He was lifting it up and down and crashing it into my abdomen “right at my knot of Vishnu!” I thought. A smaller being was at my wrist, seemingly putting a needle or something into it, like an IV. They kept going faster and faster. It seemed like they were going out of my room frequently. I felt fear, but I started imagining light around me, I was very conscious, but still out of it a bit. But this was not a dream. I am an avid dreamer, I know the difference when I wake up between dream and sleep. The figure kept hammering at the center of my being and at one point I thought, “he is going to break me in half, I am gonna die”. I also had a sense that maybe they had taken me out of my room. I started saying, “you are my friends” over and over.  They were moving at lighting speed, I was still lifting up, still trying to become fully awake but it was almost like I was sedated. Finally I shook myself more, the fear was becoming a bit much. The beings quickly disappeared, I was totally aware and in my room. I had a strange pain right around my knot of Vishnu and I was sweating, a lot. I thought, “OMG, this was a visitation, they were working on me. And I probably ended it too early!”  (I later spoke to my mayan teacher Ac Tah about this and he said that they could be beings in other dimensions, aliens, or spirit guides but that they seem “shadowy” because they are moving SO fast”)

The feeling I had was so bizarre. I have believed for a while, after something happened when I was in Peru, that beings visit us to help rework some of our systems, organs, etc, to help our bodies prepare for the new age and for new vibrational frequencies. In Peru, I had asked to be visited. I wanted some work done and I had heard that there was a ton of spaceships in this one area where I stayed. When I woke up there was blood on my pillow. I believed they did some kind of work on my brain. I had serious pain in my neck for most of my stay. Another time, while in Sedona, I had a visitation with a Pleiadian “mother”, if you will, as I believe that trip was healing my 1st and second chakras from my adoption/birth wound. Many, many amazing things happened on that first trip to Sedona in relationship to this visitation…all miracles.

This time, I think they were breaking apart my knot of Vishnu. I had learned while in Sedona more recently, and thru my yoga work, that my knot was very very dense. There was some serious things trapped there, perhaps from many many lifetimes. I mean, this lifetime sure was full of a lot of fearful happenings…perhaps right from jump, because I never got the “imprint” from my mom. I was taken from her immediately after birth. That area was activated since I was very small anytime I felt rejection. It made sense, my knot had been dense almost immediately in this life and never given a chance to chill out. I had learned over the last few years how to transmute those feelings, but my body needed to catch up. I think the beings came and broke it apart and removed it. I calmed myself and I fell right back asleep, and had no dreams at all. I hope they finished the job. I woke up feeling still a bit tired, my upper abdomen a lil sore and I felt like something was different. So different that I immediately wrote all of this down so I could remember. I sensed I needed to share before I forgot.

So, all I can think is, I was downloading through these two spiritual events over a 24 hrs period and it was important that I was deeply tired. They were ready and needed a lot of time to do it. I think I clocked over 20 hours of sleep in less than 48 hrs…a lot for me. I think maybe I was not supposed to be aware of what happened, but even though it was scary, I am glad I was.

Just as I finished writing this, it seemed like someone was at my door. But, no one was there. I looked down to find a package from my dear friend and sister Laura Vrcek who had moved to the other side of the country. I opened it and find the 5th agreement, a follow-up to my favorite book, the Four Agreements which had really catapulted me on a spiritual quest. Perfect timing considering I am in the final pages of “Unplugging the Patriarchy”. All is happening in divine order! I am so grateful. The theme in this is, they came in peace and I believe they were teaching me to, “think with my heart”.

As I publish these blog entries, I am literally in the last few pages of The Fifth Agreement. I tend to jump around with books but it seems I am ending this one at the perfect time.  Also, I can truly say the amount of tension/anxiety I feel in that area has TOTALLY decreased, almost completely.

So, I am writing this the day before Feb 2nd cause I just had a big breakthrough while brushing my teeth and preparing for a date with my boo. So, I was on this landmark call earlier discussing the idea that most of us think that you have to “DO things, to HAVE things or what we want, in order to BE happy” but, its really about BEING a certain way, that makes you DO certain things and allow you to HAVE whatever results you are trying to produce. So, in other words the results you want come direct from the way you are being. So its not Do->Be->Have. It is Be->Do->Have. This always made sense to me but recently it has taken on a whole new power.

So, over the last two years, because of this distinction, I have started BEING a lot of things. Being calm, Being loving, being focused, being fun, to name only a few. And, tonight, as I was pondering what to take on next, I realized there is very little in my life that isn’t working at the moment, which is usually when I apply this idea. So, I took on an area that I rarely consider.

Sex.

Now, this area is not working, not cause I don’t have great sex with my boyfriend, but cause for such a long time I have just not really cared about sex. When I do it, it is fun, but I have always associated it with pressure from the other person, or something I don’t really want to do. And, that is just some story I made up, I think when I realized I was an unplanned pregnancy and given up for adoption…I decided after that, and a bad sex ed class when I was 13, that I was waiting till I was married. Sex wasn’t gonna get me anywhere I wanted to be.

Well, I didn’t wait and my first experience gave me the whole “pressure” story in full force with my insatiably horny 17 year old boyfriend. I did it, but I didn’t want to. And, so that has kinda been how it has gone for me. I have had many exclusive long term serious relationships in my dating life and I do it cause they want me to. Or at least that is what I tell myself. I just always say, “I am not that sexual.” Again, its not like I hate it or something during necessarily, but I don’t want to usually, but I do it. I was a VERY serious people pleaser for most of my life and this is one such example of this. My boyfriend now does not pressure me in the slightest. And, he is one of the most all around attractive man to me that I know of, on the planet…like its not him, clearly, its me. And since he doesn’t pressure me, I would say this is one of the 50 reasons our relationship rocks my world. And, why I think I don’t mind sex as much now.

But I don’t wanna be like that. I want to take it a step further. I want to enjoy it, not just during, but the anticipation of it. I want to want it and I know he would appreciate that. I think I will have a better experience during in that case. I want to write songs about it. Not just songs coded in sexual language that aren’t really about sex at all, like Freakuency. Now, I have written a few, but they would be much juicier I think if I WANTED IT BAD.

So, I decided I would BE sexual. Now, many of you who have experienced me drunk would know that I already AM that then. That is what made me think about this, cause there is a part of me that knows I already AM based on my behavior when I am lit up so BEING it should be a snap. Like when I am trying to make out with girls, when I am drunk, you gotta figure I am sexual or at least that is a story I have about life. And probably figure I am also Bi. I’ve heard most people are if they are being honest? When I am sober, girls aren’t as much of an interest cause I usually would much rather have a goddess gathering with them or something instead. My boyfriend also told me when I told him about this article that I stripped for him the last time we drank together, lol. But, the point is, something is maybe suppressed and since my BF doesn’t think kissing girls is cheating and likes a strip show once in a while, I suppose I kinda act out the suppression in that way when I have a few. And, it doesn’t seem to cause any relationship issues. P.S. I used to have a pretty serious drinking problem so being this drunk doesn’t happen very much anymore, thank goddess. I would quit completely, but moderation seems more workable.

So, the minute I realized this, that I had to “BE sexual”, I was kinda turned on, and a lot more excited for our date. Was it always that simple, all along!?!

So, I made a sort of Birthday resolution, which I often do since it is Jan 18 and the New Year tends to be crazy because I am usually helping to plan some kind of Nakturnal event to celebrate the New Year in Pgh. It included yoga and meditation everyday, as well as picking a card from all of my oracle decks.

I have 4 decks. One is power animals, one is a goddess deck, one is sacred geometry and the other is called the “cosmic deck of initiation” given to me by one of my Pittsburgh mothers. That one is basically like a bunch of round mandala’s that all have a meaning.

Yesterday I pulled some interesting cards, I put picks of the deck covers with the card just in case you are interested in finding some cards for yourself!:
Goddess – White Tara – A buddhist/Hindu goddess that basically said to me, “I need a detox from all things harsh”, both physically and mentally. I think I have been doing that for years so I was already set for that but it warned that my sensativities are becoming heightened which makes sense to me given the shift.
Power animal – I pulled the Butterfly, one of my favorites that speaks of transformation. I love this line of my friend Phil Osophicals poem – “a butterfly and a caterpiller have the same DNA” – he is awesome, check him out here. Anywho, I knew this logically but when he said it once in a live performance, it was like I was hit by a train track with new found faith about the shift. Like, of course there is chaos, fear, misunderstanding right now, we are about to become somethign totally new and inherently, i think our DNA knows this. I for one am excited to stop crawling and fly, I can already feel my wings.

Initiation – I kept two cards I had pulled earlier in the year and had sitting on one of my altars. I felt I hadn’t really gotten the message.  And, they are so interesting as they are the only two in the deck that are completely white and not a colorful mandala. It is signifigant that I pulled them both.  One popped out as I was pulling the other, I always thing I need to keep the “pops”, that is the universe adding on.  They were miracle and gaurdian angel card.  Basically, I should expect and appreciate the miracles that happen everyday and know I am always protected.  Sometimes humans feel alone even in the presence of many other people…but, we are never alone, not only because there are billions dealing with the same humanness, but because there are beings of all kinds around us all the time. I know that can seem scary but over the years it has become something I really appreciate and respect.

Sacred Geometry – So I pulled the wisdom card.  The image is so beautiful.  It means that I must trust my inner wisdom and know that it is there for me when I need it.  I just have to listen.

Had a great lunch mtg with my business partner Leigh and my girl Daren. She may start working with us. Talented, spiritual, creative women just give me so much hope!

My friend also told me to pay attention to my dreams because it was an iosis and portal day, so I wrote down all of them and then woke up to find out about neptune heading into Pisces.
So, I started thinking about Astrology again.   So, what is your sign?  Feel free to comment here with it.

Like, really, I wanna know. Astrology is really what really started me on my path. Of course, without your whole chart it doesn’t mean as much, but it is still fun.

This is my astrologers newsletter that I just got.  HE ROCKS!  Starself Newletter by Rick DiClemente

You should subscribe, He is amazing.

He has given me so much insight over the years. I started listening to Chopin on Pandora today after reading this…so I could hear what Neptune sounds like. I like classical music, it helps my brain, I can tell.

My favorite part about Neptune moving into Pisces is that it is all about oneness and will not support any illusion of separation. “It wants us to find our spiritual center”. The shift is upon us…bring it on.

“The world is not going to end in 2012. The “old world” already did (thanks to Pluto in 2008).” Rick DiClemente

Today was crazy. I did everything I committed to this year. Meditated when I woke up, pulled cards, did yoga and some other spiritual practice. Worked on a new song and had the most productive “work” day ever with my new 6 interns! Goes to show it can all happen in one day. I just have to be in action. I told them all about how our company Nakturnal is all about creating reality, being responsible, remaining positive, etc. and that we get a lot of this from Landmark of course but, that for me and all the other girls, it started with this book.  Click here to read more about it!

Today I have been cleaning up and doing things around my house so I am ready to rock Monday morning. I have also been working on a new song.

And, I am tutoring my Aunt Gloria on the Kindle Fire we got her. Can you relate? Anyone have a person over 50 that you have taught about computers, it is a wonderful exercise in patience. My aunt is almost 72 I think.

This is me with my aunt gloria to the left.  She doesn’t like pics so you sometimes you have to sneak her in. I chose this one because our last name is Maize, and we both love the name. It is originally a Taino word, that Native Americans and many indigenous people of the Americas use to refer to corn.

Aunt G tried to send me an email telling me something that she felt she would get choked up saying in person. The email didn’t come, lol, so she told me that I am her mentor because I remind her to be positive and have helped her so much in that way. It made me almost cry too.   Of course, she knows she has been a mentor of mine too. She is not married and has no children. She is my fathers sister. When dad died I really knew I had to become more involved in her life as she had really no one else alive in our family besides a few distant cousins.  She was very involved in my family adopting me, helping me find my birth father and raising me.  She is definitely where I get my “crafty” side from.  I love to handmake presents and such because we did this all the time at her house when I was young.  She worked in a sewing factory all her life and had a way with creating using her hands.   It has been a blessing to be able to help her and be a friend to her later in life.

She also learned how to write love as luv today, LOL.

I happened to get sucked into emails as I was helping her and came accross a video that was sent to me. It blew my mind! It is about the conspiracy of college tuition.

The party last night was crazy. My friend Ricky Skullcrusha or RSK (Pls “Like” him Here!). I invited a small and somewhat random group of people. It was so cool to see such great people connecting who never met. That has always created such joy in my life and one of the reasons I started Nakturnal….where I planned events and such. I just loved the idea of people meeting, connecting, working together, creating friendships, etc. It makes me think of the book The Tipping Point where Malcolm Gladwell called people like this being called “Connectors”.  Check out his book if you haven’t heard of it here. I really love that book. I listened to it years ago on cd.

Me and some sexy brandettes.  Here are more pics of the party on Facebook.  A bunch of pictures didn’t turn out cause my phone was acting silly so I missed some of my favorite people. Sorry my loves if you don’t see your pic!

I had to say goodbye to my mom today and take the train back to Pgh. I just love my mom, she really is my best friend. We have had our issues but, after I did some Landmark I really got present to how important she is to me and how no issues every really mattered…we have always had such a powerful love between us. She makes my life, for sure!

THIS IS ME, my Mom and Her boyfriend Larry who I just recently decided to call Stepdad…even though they aren’t married, he is like family to me.

The train was great as usual. I highly suggest taking the train. There is a car where you can get food and alcohol, lots of room, great views, and you can walk around.

The train was a little bit delayed so I made it to my bday party a bit late….kinda funny to show up to your own house party late.

Today I had a Introduction to the Landmark forum at my moms house. It was really incredible. My Godmother, who I call Aunt Patti was there with my godsister, Who I think of as a little sister and of course my mom. We talked more deeply about our lives than we ever had and I can honestly say we have a whole different relationship right now. Its crazy what can happen in 3hrs. I am hoping they all look into Landmark Education. It has made a GIGANTIC impact on me in a very positive way. I highly suggest it. Find more info here.

My aunt Patti who attended has Lou Gerricks disease, also known as ALS. It has been really hard to except this. The disease basically eats your muscles until you have no functioning. Her type is slow, at this point she has no use at all of one arm but I just found out it is in her ankles and creeping to her other arm. Eventually, she will only have use of her brain and likely would die from a normal illness, suffocating or her heart stopping. I am very scared about this. I feel for my godsister as I know how hard it is to loose a parent and can’t imagine having to do so in this way. I am also concerned for my mom to loose her best friend, especially after loosing my dad. And, I am worried about my godfather who I call Uncle Jay, as he also lost a best friend in my dad. It is quite a serious situation but, death has become something I do not see as an end and know that we will all be okay. I am in the phase of just becoming ok with it so that I can be a support system for everyone. It reminds me how important it is to enjoy every moment and be loving always because right now is really all we have or need to worry about. I have faced death many times and also really excepted that it is not the end but a beginning. I know not to be attached and just be love, I know that is the true joy in life. But, when you are faced with someone close, you have to give yourself time to remember, fully.

You can see my Godmother in my Takeover video at 3:23. She came all the way to Pittsburgh, not an easy drive, just to support.

Massages and Thai today with mom. Well, actually I got a facial. I tried to meditate during it and came to the realization that I have not been meditating very often. It was a little challenging. I have made a new pact that 2012 is gonna be a year of much meditation. Afterall, I agreed to at least a minute a day for Ac Tah. A minute is nothing, I want to work back up to 20 mins 2x a day hopefully.

If you haven’t heard about Ac Tah, you should really check out this site.

I got to travel with him for a few weeks last year after his visit to Pittsburgh, it changed my life.
Actah did ceremonies all over the midwest while I was along….one at the Serpent Mound in Ohio…
Actah did talks all over the midwest. it was so great to see spaces like this…
We also had tons of FUN showing him American stuff….

And acting silly like below. He is all about Joy…he says that is what the Mayans teach, that 2012 is not the end, that it is about whatever energy is strongest taking over. And we can choose fear, or JOY. He really helped me make my choice, once and for all.

I love chosing to be peaceful, and knowing that its all good…it is a daily exercise but being with Ac Tah was a nice little reminder of how powerful we really are.

We also built labyrinths in several places, including Pittsburgh. This is me helping out in Wisconsin.

On New Years Eve in what is now called Peaceburgh (check out http://peaceburgh.com to learn more), we did a very special event during which we held a full minute of peace at midnight. I was asked to help at midnight and do a special small labyrinth he had made. It was amazing. I use the labyrinth alot now and have it next to my altar.

SO, please check him out and support JOY.

I saw an eagle this morning, it means “vision, spirit and strength”. DIG

Then I realized it was the Chinese new year. WE enjoyed the Chinese buffet!
WELCOME Year of DRAGON!!!!! This was my fortune. I decided it means, create your own path, not the path others wish for you. You can really be a team player then!

After Chinese, my mom, godmom and god sis went to see a movie. It was called “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close”. It is about a young boy who lost his father on 9/11. It pulled on the old heart strings for sure and I highly suggest it. I posted on my facebook page that people should bring tissues and that this kid is the best childhood actor i have ever seen (i might even say he was the best actor period) to which:

Jim said he doesn’t like to cry
Lani said my x’s lil bro teaches the kid in the movie drumming
Chelsea said he never acted before!
Lani later said it seemed heart-wrenching and heartwarming
This is what I said back in my comment….

“crying is an amazing release jim, and everyone will be crying, don’t worry. OMG, galen, nates bro, he was like my little brother in highschool lani! best drummer i know. i gotta ask him about that kid. he literally blew me away. wow chelsea, i can’t believe that. i had no idea what this movie was even about…my godmother, god sis and mom went and my godmother picked it. I am about to see if it is based on a true story cause wow, that is just AMAZING. lani, totally…made me think about the message my dad left on my phone the night before he died, and how much i wish it didn’t get deleted accidentally…i was devastated to have lost his voice, talking directly to me…for like 2 yrs so mad about it…but also gave me some closure on that in a weird way. i won’t say more but when u see it u will know what i mean. it is heart wrenching but also heartwarming to anyone who has lost someone..which is all of us really. much love guys.”

did that make any sense written that way?

That about sums up today.

So, my mom works at a factory doing super serious “man’s work”. It is a machine shop. It is hard for her to get off but, she took Monday and Tuesday off this week to spend with me…definitely a blessing cause with me in Pittsburgh for the last 13 years, we don’t usually get much time together.

The highlight of the day was yoga. She has only taken one class in her life. I was a little concerned cause her wrists are really bad from the work she does but, she seemed to be doing okay and frankly i was surprised she was even willing to go. I was sooo excited at the end of the class when she said, “do you want to come tomorrow”? And, she asked the instructor when she would be teaching again. I think it will do wonders for her body and spirit. I am definitely heading there with her tomorrow.

Here is me and one of my bests Gals Laura doing yoga at Bonnaroo! I won a slot to perform last year and we woke up early to get our OM on. Laura takes all my pics, she rocks. Chk her at out here!

Sunday funday? You could say that. My mom and I owed our fella’s a breakfast after we lost at a game of shuffleboard. That is right, shuffleboard. What you know about that? Lol. Well, I knew nothing and fell in love with the game. I grew up in central PA. There isn’t too much poppin’ around here so my mom takes us to the Legion when we are in town. Its members only and they serve chicken wings and onion rings. That is the kinda members only I can appreciate…although I don’t eat meat.

I grabbed the jukebox the minute I arrived and had a very belligerent bearded flannel wearing gentlemen very angry with me for choosing hip hop. He said, “this isn’t music! play some country”, perhaps you can understand why my love of emceein’ and hip hop came out later in my life…it wasn’t exactly widespread round these parts.

If this guy and I were both women, and famous, it may have been something like this, minus the smiling on dolly’s part.
(PS. This pic is funny. I have always looked up to Queen Latifah and my dad raised me on country, Dolly Parton was definitely on rotation. My dad was one of the most law abiding, calm, quiet but funny, conservative dude and I will never forget hearing him say to a friend “If I die, I want to come back as dolly’s guitar”. He is long gone and I know he is not her guitar but, this image made me laugh thinking of that time)

Anyway, I only got to hear MTV and such which had me on to Salt n’ Peppa and TLC at a very early age. I even started a rap group called Thunder and Lightning with my childhood best friend. We were 9 and I think mostly we just fought over who was thunder and who was lightning. We did record one song, it was called “Strike It!” We recorded it on a tape player, took a pic of ourselves back to back, arms folded and gave it to our families. We performed it for them too.

Here are some women who inspired me early on in hip hop.

Fortunately, my highschool boyfriend was from Cali and he exposed me to what was “underground” for people here, around age 16. I was “that” girl sitting with my lady friends in a smoke filled car in the middle of the woods explaining Wu-tang or Biggie lyrics to them. I told them they were exposing me to very important information in their songs that taught be about a world I did not know and that would lay the ground work for what I now think of as “spiritual activism” in my music. Hip hop back then seemed to always have a message that taught me something. Now I look to Immortal Tech, old Outkast tracks, Jasiri X, Dead Prez, Invincible, Old Lauryn Hill, Talib Kweli, etc….to teach me something. Long live revolutionary (or what I like to call evolutionary) Hip Hop. I can appreciate all of it, don’t get me wrong, my spotify hot sass list has plenty of more mainstream songs but I love to learn through some Rythem And Poetry (RAP).

So today I got a kindle fire as a present. I love it and can feel my game step up a bit. I am all about moving around, ALOT. And it is nice to have something I can carry more easily than my laptop.

I also had the pleasure today of having a belated holiday dinner with my whole fam. My mom, her man, my aunt gloria, my godparents, godsister, and her daughter and husband. This is a much bigger group of my family this summer in a campground.

While it was amazing, it reminded me of my godmothers condition. She has Lou Gehrig’s Disease, or ALS. Not sure if you are familiar but, it is a really crazy disease that shuts down everything in your body except your brain which creates a rather slow and painful death. I got her some stones, rose quartz, amethyst, carnelian and sodalite. She was so excited and really liked them, which made me happy. I have dealt with a lot of death in my short life so far and thinking of her being gone is a little hard to swallow. Most importantly, I just want to make time to spend with her and need to make that a priority! A lesson to appreciate what you have while you have it and also in being unattached but filled with love for each moment. Namaste.

So, my man and I, in over 4 years of dating, have never taken a trip alone. We have visited his family in Peru and Colombia but, there were people everywhere….which is awesome, but, I have been wanting a one-on-one trip for a while. So, my xmas present from him was a trip to Puerto Rico, for four days (and 2 additional days of redeye traveling . It was dope to be on the beach on Christmas.
So, I didn’t get home to see Mamma Maize and instead we are doing xmas this weekend in central PA. It worked out well as she works in a factory with very strict rules about days off and she had used all her days for 2011. So, she is getting 2 FULL days off this coming week that we will get to spend together. I am so excited. She is a magic person that I feel so very blessed to have been raised by.

So Puerto Rico was amazing…I got to hang out one night with my girl Kaaren and her new Puerto Rican love. We even grabbed a mic that night and did our thang. Kaaren is also a rapper and singer, check her out. She rocks and is a soul sister and an inspiration to me (and a celebrity hair stylist in Miami!) PLS LIKE HER HERE.

So, here i am in cental PA…planning “xmas” for tonight with Mamma Maize and her boyfriend. We will do a larger celebration this Saturday with my aunt Gloria, godparents and an aunt and uncle, that will double as a bday party for me. I always miss my dad this time of year. He passed away about 7 years ago and xmas was always a fun time with him, he was in a great mood and seemed to forget all his problems in december. And, he made me wrap all of his presents for my mom, which was always a fun experience seeing what the big guy would get for her. He was a huge inspiration in my life…most hard working, generous man I ever knew.

My mom gave me a present this morning cause she “just couldn’t wait”. I howled as I opened the pic of me at age 2 with a guitar and a wide open singing (more like scream rock) mouth. I was performing even then! It gave me the same kind of feeling I had when I found my birth father Jimmy McNichol and his sister Christy McNichol this past year. (I’m adopted, more on the story later.) Cause this interest in making music for the masses is in my genes, and, apparently, was even present at age 2. Its too bad I spent so many years trying to “shut it off”. I always thought, “who the F do I think I am:”, “I am not good enough”, “why do I want this”, “why do I want the attention”. And, now, this picture reminds me that this is who I am, there is no denying it. I might as well enjoy it.

So I can’t really disclose why, in order to protect someone, but I went to a criminal hearing today at a courthouse near Penn State. I was there in support of someone else and a pretrial hearing in which they were pleading guilty to a minor offense that just gave them a slap on the wrist. I wished this was the judge so I could enjoy my very long day there a little more, lol….

The hearing for them was scheduled at 1pm and we soon found out that everyone’s hearing was at one. The courtroom filled up with people and I can’t even explain the energy. One by one, people went up to the judge with their lawyer and either gave a guilty plea agreement, had a pre- trial hearing to discuss how many witnesses they would have and the details of the trial to decide when it would be and, if both the defense and commonwealth were ready to make that happen, etc. People were accused of everything from rape, to burglary, to theft, to purgery.

It was like that saying that humans can’t help but look at a train wreck. I could not help but stay in the room…I didn’t even leave to eat despite my very low blood sugar. I ran to the vending machine as quick as I could so I didn’t miss a minute of my 5 hours there, as we were literally one of the last of probably 100 people to see a judge.

I decided to use my observer to study my ego. That is, my tendency to feel really bad for the prisoners who came, and sometimes think they were more guilty than the people who weren’t yet arrested and wearing orange…..the ones that were there talking to the judge in nice dress clothes. And sometimes I had a tendency to think the defendant in the suit was definitely guilty and the person in the orange who went up next was not. Of course I stopped myself from making any real judgements but it was a nice practice in noticing, remembering, and honoring my human tendency to judge, and also not allow that to rule me, or feel quilty about it. It’s how we all survive, it’s being aware of it and not letting it run you that seems to be important. That is what non-judgement is really about. I thought a lot about the irony of the word “judge”, who in this case was a portly, unassuming, smiley, young man that if I had to JUDGE by looking at him, what he did for a living, “judge” would NOT be a guess. I also noticed how this judge would ask people to raise their right hand and swear with no mention of GOD, and another judge that we finally did see, would have people swear not only “so help you god” but that “and he (god) and only he shall be the one to judge you on that final day” or something of that nature. I had the craziest bodily reaction to that statement. I made friends with one girl. She told me that she was there for shoplifting but that someone put the items in her purse and she didn’t really do it. Later, when we moved to another court room, I saw her pleading guilty. She started crying when she saw me. I couldn’t help but wonder if she was upset that she had told me one thing, and the judge another. Its hard being a human sometimes.
I remembered in landmark learning about that little voice inside “the already always listening” or as my friend Chad once said, “his mental advisors”. Those folks are judging always, “is this right, is this wrong, is it good/bad,”, etc. And, mine were in full force yesterday and I can’t help but think the energy of the room, that was doing the exact same thing, really massaged my little voices and kept me glued to my seat. A young guy once told me once that thoughts can also be thought of as little pieces of electricity/energy that are floating through a room, going in and out of brains and only some people give attention to certain ones, that attention is what it is all about. I tend to think both ideas make perfect sense and have had quite a great time realizing that those thoughts are not me, or my true essence over the last few years. I have also had fun ignoring them.
So, I just listened yesterday and came out realizing how thankful I am for things like Landmark Education, or books I read that have taught me that those thoughts aren’t me and that it is my choice to determine which ones I am going to allow my focus and attention on. Yesterday, in the end, I felt a great deal of compassion for the people charged, the lawyers, the judge, the people that are left to defend these little voices that we think are us and often cause actions that are not in our best interest or that of others. When in the end, really, we ALL are just gods of love, that can create anything we want. And we are in a world where those thoughts feel real and sometimes we don’t even know we are creating exactly what we don’t want. Here is to a new paradigm where this knowledge is available to everyone so that we all can create all we really want in the first place, LOVE.

So, today is my birthday. And it is the first day I will be writing in my blog. My intention is to write everyday for the next 365 days. If I can do it for a whole month, everyday, I will release the blog publicly. (Note, I decided to release early in honor of Neptune Entering Pisces, so I only wrote 17 entries before making public)

Ironically or as I see it, synchronistically, I made this choice on the first ever internet Black Out to stop SOPA. This bill would give the government and corporations the right to shut down sites exposing valuable information without trial or hearing – I am all for protecting artists and art but that seems to not be the actual point of this law. My fear is they will limit our access to truths that could harm corporate or governmental interests without question, and we certainly don’t want that.

So, it seems only fitting that I write today, and NOT publish it. I do believe what you resist persists, but at the same time, it seems valuable to show lawmakers that the populace ain’t down with censorship of any kind.

So, here is more info on SOPA just in case you aren’t familiar and want to educate yourself . I literally just learned about it from my dear friend and bad ass blog/web designer.  (check her out too!) And, I couldn’t publish this if I wanted to, LOL!

I am really looking forward to sharing my thoughts…many of which would certainly be censor worthy material given I don’t tend to fall in line with what I imagine our government would approve of. But, this will definitely not be a political blog. I plan to use it to share my thoughts, lyrics, ideas, musings and in general, my SELF. I think behind every artist are interesting facts and truths about who they are that you could not gather from their music or art alone. And, I think I need a discipline of writing everyday to help keep my juices and energy flowing.

I am truly in love with life, people, connections, evolution of self and helping to create a new paradigm for us to enjoy this time and space in a more authentic way and to be kind to mother earth. I plan to let you see all of me here, to be stripped and real so that I might be a window into your own SELF. This will be a practice in becoming unattached to what you might think about me or my music, or my thoughts, so that I can just BE and create from my heart. Because we are all reflections of each other and what we find troublesome about another person’s way of being, expression, etc., seems to be the very window into what we need to transform in ourselves. At least that has been my experience.

You have heard, maybe, that we are all “spiritual beings” in a human form, with human machinery that is so similar it is almost funny. We really are one organ made of different cells (people) that help make up this body of earth…and the earth needs us to get healthy, yo! Everything has meaning and purpose in this process. I think it’s just up to us to create what that meaning is that most fulfills us, and BE IT. I am creating a meaning of LOVE in EVERYTHING…and creating being in joy and gratitude ALWAYS. That is what this year is about for me, cause I say so and cause I think the world and I, need it. Its time to transform the inner completely, so that the outer follows. I find that is true for me, everyone in my world and this planet. The time is NOW and just in time for the year of the shift…2012!

Well, here is to free speech, fresh starts, transformation and birthdays.

Love,
♥Kellee

P.S. HERE IS A LIL ALEX GREY ART I saw on my soul sistas facebook profile to end it right!

Takeover

Hi loves. You’re on this private page because you’re my friend and I truly value your opinion about my inspirational music – so here’s the deal. I have two different instrumental versions of a song that I’m trying to decide on. Each version has the same lyrics, they are just mixed differently.

The name of this song is called “Hasta Abajo” which means “All The Way Down” in English. Since it’s a Reggaeton beat that I got off of some super talented producers in the Bronx, I decided to keep the name in Spanish.

So, If you have a second, I would really appreciate it if you did the following for me:

Step 1. Play the first song entitled – Hasta Abajo Mix 1.
Step 2. Play the second song entitled – Hasta Abajo Mix 2.
Step 3. Comment on which one you like better.

It’s as simple as that! If you like them both (or hate them both) equally, let me know as well! At this point I’m just looking for a vote, but if you want to add your feedback, I will take it to improve the song …

Hasta Abajo Mix 1

Hasta Abajo Mix 2


Please keep in mind, both songs are not final mixed or mastered, I am just trying to decide what direction to go in. Peace and Love! I hope you can comment!!! I love you!!!

p.s. Know any friends that can help? Share this on your facebook wall >

10/24/10: Thank you all so much for your help. Your feedback has really helped me not only choose #1 as the version to go with, but also how to take #1 to the next level. Since there were so many people though that enjoyed #2, we will be releasing a remix that brings out more of the natural instruments that were played on the track. (Shout out to Ivan on the spanish guitar and Jen on the cello!). Peace and Love to all of you!

11/15/10: This song is complete! It was mixed by DJ Huggy and Mastered at the best mastering studios, Tree Lady! Look out for a video soon!